much money
On Friday, January 18, 2013, kathy <kathy@gmail.com> wrote:
Hi Kevin,
I have your mug. Am considering ransom terms.
Amanita Buntburn (not my real name)
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Re: much money
On Fri, Jan 18, 2013 at 5:30 PM, Kevin <kevin@gmail.com> wrote:
Dear AB,
When considering ransom, please recall my story contribution of last night.
Janoš Svěčim
(Note to readers: The story contribution included an ice pick applied to a brain through an eardrum.)
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Re: much money
On Fri, Jan 18, 2013 at 6:49 PM, kathy <kathy@gmail.com> wrote:
Dear Jan
Hmmm… I will accept your awl, handle first, placed gently in my hand. If I remain unharmed, I will tell you where your mug is buried.
It has a straw for breathing. For now.
– A
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Re: much money
On Fri, Jan 18, 2013 at 6:58 PM, Kevin <kevin@gmail.com> wrote:
Dear Amanita Bananamita,
I contacted the FBI, not to tell on you, but just to ask for their advice. They said I should act natural, and don’t do anything to anger you. Would you like to come over for a sleepover? Maybe we can have ice cream. I’ll supply the ice cream. Could you bring the mugs to eat it out of? Ask your mom.
Jan
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Re: much money
On Sat, Jan 19, 2013 at 1:06 PM, kathy <kathy@gmail.com> wrote:
My mom says don’t mess with my name. She also likes your mug. She wants to know could you bring the ice cream over here.
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Galbon, Fetcher, Wheezley, and Forbes
Attorneys at Law
36 Wall Street
New York, NY 10011
Dear Ms. Buntburn,
We are contacting you on behalf of our client, Mr. Janoš Svěčim. Mr. Svěčim called us about his concerns that you may be interfering with his progress as a world-renowned author and speaker. His contention is that your possession of his mug has caused him extensive and pervasive emotional harm. When we met with him in our very prestigious office overlooking the financial capital of this great country, he was distraught, beside himself, and weeping. We were barely able to console him. I (this is Jim Fletcher speaking) barely recognized him, as he has not been able to focus on his personal care since the loss of his beloved mug.
We would like to resolve this matter (your theft of our client’s mug) in a manner that benefits all. Our offer to you will include a quantity of ice cream to be determined through binding arbitration. You will also be allowed weekly visits with the mug to ensure the health and well-being of said mug. Our preferred time for this visitation would be Thursday evenings, but other times can be negotiated at arbitration. Our client has agreed that these terms seem reasonable, considering the circumstances. We hope that there will be no delays in your response.
If you rebuff this offer, we will have no alternative action other than contacting the authorities. In Western Massachusetts, we understand that this often means the involvement of a “Marshall” or “Sheriff and Deputy”. We would regret this course of action, and believe that you would also. We ask only that you act in a reasonable manner and consider the well-being of our client.
Sincerely,
Galbon, Fetcher, Wheezley, and Forbes
Attorneys at Law
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Svěčim
On Sat, Jan 19, 2013 at 1:06 PM, kathy <kathy@gmail.com> wrote:
I’m very sorry – my daughter Amanita has gone comatose upon receiving this communication. The last words she uttered were garbled by a massive spasm of stomach muscles. Did you threaten to give her ice cream? She is massively allergic to ice cream. My attorney will be contacting you in the dark of night.
Mom.
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Forward to Amanita Buntburn
On Sat, Jan 19, 2013 at 10:11 PM, Kevin <kevin@gmail.com> wrote:
Please refer to attached document.
Office of the Attorney General
10 Mechanic Street, Suite 301
Worcester, MA 01608-2417
Telephone: (508) 792-7600
January 19, 2013
Ms. Amanita Buntburn
c/o Main Street Writers
664 Main Street, Suite 60
Amherst, MA 01002
Dear Ms. Buntburn,
Our office has received a request for aid from the law offices of Galbon, Fetcher, Wheezley, and Forbes, an LLC based in New York City. The request is regarding an alleged abduction or involuntary restraint, and so would normally be forwarded to the US Department of Justice for action by the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
We have decided to accept this request for aid until we have received information which would elevate the matter to a Federal level. As such, we would ask you to forward to our office a brief summary of the situation as you believe it to be true. We will take this summary into consideration as part of the preliminary investigation by our office. If you have any supporting documents or evidence, or statements by witnesses, please forward them as well.
The Office of the Attorney General of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts is not a mediator in cases such as this, but we would like to provide an environment in which resolution can be achieved prior to court action. Your prompt attention to this manner would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
James Allen
Enterprise and Major Crimes Unit
Office of the Attorney General
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Re: Forward to Amanita Buntburn
On Sat, Jan 19, 2013 at 11:00 PM, kathy <kathy@gmail.com> wrote:
Mail Undeliverable at this address. Resident seems to have vaporized, leaving only a mug and a spoon behind. Please inform all parties of this tragic matter.
PS Nice letterhead
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Re: Forward to Amanita Buntburn
On Sun, Jan 20, 2013 at 5:34 PM, Kevin <kevin@gmail.com> wrote:
Please see attached document.
Office of the Attorney General
10 Mechanic Street, Suite 301
Worcester, MA 01608-2417
Telephone: (508) 792-7600
January 19, 2013
Ms. Kathy
c/o Main Street Writers
Main Street
Amherst, MA 01002
Dear Ms. Kathy,
We were very sorry to hear of the vaporization of your comatose daughter, the suspect Amanita Buntburn. This office wishes to offer its deepest sympathy at your loss. With no perpetrator available, we are forced to cease our investigation.
Please keep a copy of this letter on your person at all times for the next ten years as proof of our intent. After that period, you may dispose of it in an appropriate manner.
Sincerely,
James Allen
Enterprise and Major Crimes Unit
Office of the Attorney General
Ps: An agent of our office shall be by on Thursday evening to collect the evidence left behind. We ask that you offer him your cooperation. You will be able to recognize him, as he often engages people in conversation and passes himself off as an author of some sort.
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Re: Forward to Amanita Buntburn
On Sun, Jan 20, 2013 at 5:46 PM, kathy <kathy@gmail.com> wrote:
Um…. I am not Amanita’s mother. But I do know her. She said she would give me the mug for two rupees. What should I do?
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Re: Forward to Amanita Buntburn
On Sun, Jan 20, 2013 at 7:30 PM, Kevin <kevin@gmail.com> wrote:
Dear Ms. “Kathy”,
I accept your terms, and payment will be made, The ransom will be backed by the full faith of the United States Government. However, available currency is restricted to Czech korunas, as the Treasury Department has recently sold the US Federal Debt to the Czechs for a whole bunch of korunas, and a dumpling or two (yum). At current exchange rates, two Indian rupees are worth 0.72 Czech koruna. That means I owe you one koruna, and you owe me 1/2 rupee.
I hope that the aforementioned date of Thursday next holds.
Jan
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Re: Forward to Amanita Buntburn
On Sun, Jan 20, 2013 at 5:46 PM, kathy <kathy@gmail.com> wrote:
Ano. Pokud to musí být. (Povzdech)
Translation from Czech:
Yes. If it must be. (Sigh)